Round Table

A Gathering Place for Comedy Writers and Performers


Joke Writing Competition #2:

“Words to Live By”

Round Table asked its writers to come up with a funny gag that instilled some kind of wisdom on the listener.


We received hundreds of lines and now we need your help to select the winners.


To vote, simply email the number of your First, Second and Third favorite jokes from the list below.  Email us at


The comedy writer who gets the most points will receive $125; 2nd place $75; and 3rd Place $25.  Three Honorable prizes will also be awarded.


Here are the Finalists with the jokes listed in random order.  Read through the lines and have a chuckle or two and drop us an email with your top 3 laugh-getters:

1. A man without flaws would be a woman.

2. When you stop looking down on people, people begin to look up to you.    

3. Americans don’t want instant gratification anymore, it takes too long.            

4. Some people always want something for nothing, and they have so much nothing to offer.          

5. Working too hard will make you go blind.  It must, because everywhere I go people tell me they are too busy to see me.    

6. Jobs are a lot like marriage.  Once you’ve been in them for a long time you realize nobody else would have you.                     

7. The pen is mightier than the sword – unless you’ve run out of ink.

8. Forever is a long time, especially near the end.

9. Most people are like an onion, when you peel back the layers it will make you cry.        

10. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.  In other words, never let Grandpa play anchor in a game of Tug of War.

11. The other day I was reading a book on health tips.  I learned I may need glasses.           

12. I used to think mother-in-law jokes were funny until I became one. 

13. I was going to spend money like there was no tomorrow but I found out my wife did that yesterday.

14. If you look into the laser in science class you will be the brightest pupil, if only for a second.

15. A little of what you fancy does you good – unless you fancy arsenic.  

16. Do you ever wonder why people ask rhetorical questions?         

17. When you’re feeling down and you don’t know which way to go, up is a good direction.   

18. Some people are dying to live while other people are living to die.    

19. To error is human, but to blame that error on someone else is even more human.           

20. Athletes that refuse to take a shower after an event will always be nothing more than rank amateurs.

21. If you’re over 30 and still trying to find yourself, you’re probably the only one looking.

22. Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.  So if you’re a genius, you better stock up on deodorant.

23. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; show him how to catch fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.  But what if he hates fish?

24. Rich people serve a purpose, poor people serve someone else’s purpose.

25. You make more progress in life by moving yourself forward instead of holding someone else back.

26. Sometimes circumstances force us to do what we should have been doing all along.

27. Don’t do unto others what you wouldn’t want to be sued over.

28. There is no such thing as a born loser.  You have to work at it.

29. People with low self-esteem waste a tremendous amount of time at four-way stop signs.

30. If you can’t tell the good guys from the bad guys you’re probably looking at Congress.

31. Most people want to live a long time, but they don’t want to look like they have lived a long time.

32. The status quo is what everyone thinks they are not.      

33. Sometimes in life it’s not that you’re doing anything wrong, it’s that you’re wrong for not doing anything.

34. Blessed are the geek…for they shall repair your computer.

35. Life is not a race, and if it were would you really want to finish first?

36. If your pants are on fire, being a liar is the least of your problems.

37. As anyone in a bad marriage will tell you, it’s better to have loved and lost.

38. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  The bird begs to differ.

39. Everybody wants to be captain, until it’s time to go down with the ship.

40. How many roads must a man walk down, before he asks for directions?

41. They say, “Work smarter not harder.”  As it turned out working harder was smarter.

42. Children are like the chickenpox virus.  You break out, the virus goes dormant for 30 years, and then it returns with a vengeance.

43. There’s a lot of talk about young people “slipping down the ladder of social mobility,” how about all the old folks “stepping on the rake of retirement planning.”

44. It’s not a good idea to shoo flies when you’re at an auction.         

45. Never let religion get in the way of a relationship with God.      



5 points will be awarded for 1st place; 3 points for second; and 1 for 3rd.  Points will be tallied at the end of the voting period and prizes awarded. 

Of course, we will have to have some rules for the voting


1. Voting will close on August 16, 2014 at 11:55 p.m. pst.

2. Only one voting submission per email address.  The earliest submission will be accepted.  Duplicate submissions will be discarded without being tallied.

3. Votes must be included in the text of the email.  Attachments will not be opened and will be deleted.

4. Only three votes per email.  If more than 3 votes are listed, only the first 3 will be considered.  Fractional votes will not be counted.

5. Round Table is not responsible for misdirected or un-received emails.

6. You do not need to include your name and/or address in the email to vote.

7. The rules for voting must be followed.  Judging submissions that do not conform to the rules will not be included in the judging process.

8. Participants in the Competition are eligible to vote.


Thank you for participating!

We wanted the lines to stand on their own so we omitted the names of the writers with the lines, but we will credit the writers after the voting period is over, so be sure to check back.