Round Table

A Gathering Place for Comedy Writers and Performers



And the Winners from Joke Writing Competition #3

On Mom and Dad


First Place

My mom is a travel agent who specializes in guilt trips.

              — Melanie White


Second Place

Growing up, my father was an insult comic – he only ever did his act for me.

            — Andy Lester


Third Place

When I was seven I said, “Mom, am I adopted?” She said, “I’m working on it, I’M WORKING ON IT!”

            — Tom Padovano            


Honorable Mentions


For Halloween last year I went as my dad.  I walked out the back door and never came back.

Todd Turner

My dad called me up and said, “I hit a couple of mail boxes!”  I said “Where’s the car?”  He said, “Inside the post office.”     

Scott Wood

The arrival of spring brought with it a few traditions in our family – spring cleaning, my mom’s garden, and the annual cease and desist letter from the neighborhood HOA prohibiting Dad from organizing a shirtless lawn mowing club.      

Dan Burt

Coming from a dysfunctional family I wasn’t too surprised to find out my dad hated me more than he hated my sister – but technically, that makes me the favorite.

Andy Lester

I asked Mom and Dad if they had any exciting plans for the weekend. Mom said they planned to “polish the silver.” Man, I hope that’s not what old people call it these days.

— Dan Burt



Text Box: Finalists

 I told my dad I was moving to New York City to find myself.  He said, “Why don’t you look on the couch.  That’s where you usually are.”	
	   — Todd Turner

My dad is a smart one. He put a couch in the bedroom so when mom told him to sleep on the couch he didn’t have to walk so far.
	   — Fred Kracke	
My mom said we should never lie, except for the time she backed through the neighbor’s fence; that we should let Dad think a drunk did it.
	   — Phillip M. Tilley	

My parents didn’t believe in curfews.  Can you believe it? No curfews.  Of course, they didn’t have to.  I was not allowed out of the house on weekends until I joined the army.  Even then, my mother had the drill sergeant’s cell phone number on her speed dial.
	   — David Seligman	

In piloting an airplane the saying is “hours of boredom followed by seconds of terror.”  Kind of like teaching your kids how to drive.
	   — Ben Green	

Mom and Dad were each other’s best friends and sparring partners.  
	   — Fred Kracke	

My mother thought I, and everyone in the world, didn’t eat enough.  In fact, she was arrested for a drive-by feeding.
	   — Tom Padovano	

There was one time my dad got so frustrated he reclaimed his closet space.
	   — Fred Kracke	

I remember going to the beach and my Dad burying me in the sand – head down.
	   — Tom Padovano

Some parents were more relaxed about their parenting.  Not my parents. They were very strict.  The first book they read to me was “Robert’s Rules of Order.”
	   — David Seligman

Whenever I did something wrong my dad would ground me.  It never felt good.  He was an electrician and those wires gave me quite a shock.
	   — Steve Shrott
Text Box: My dad never liked me.  As a child I would wet the bed. He got me an electric blanket.	
	   — Scott Wood

Dad’s idea of a fine wine would be anything dated like ‘vintage Tuesday.’
	  — Patrick Manalio	

I asked my mom one day if she had any antique furniture.  She said, “Oh no, our  furniture’s too old to be antiques.”
	  — Patrick Manalio

My mom’s a lousy driver too.  She’s always putting on her make-up while she’s driving.  I guess she wants to look good for the accident.
	   — Scott Wood

My dad’s a big drinker. He’s half Irish, and all Scotch!	
	   — Scott Wood

My dad was a late arrival to the art of illusion in a vain attempt to make mom disappear.	
	   — Fred Kracke

When I was a teenager, my relationship with my dad was so bad I talked about committing suicide.  But he wouldn’t do it.
	   — Todd Turner

My mom was a lousy cook. I once found a bone in my Jello.
	   — Scott Wood

When I was small my parents took us on a car trip. I was fighting with my bother and my father said, “If you two keep that up, I’ll turn this car around.”  We continued to fight, and next thing I know we’re going 60 miles an hour…backwards.
	   — Ben Green

Mom taught me lots of things.  When I was a child I asked her, “Where do babies come from?” She said, “Tequila.”
	   — Joy Keishian	

Dad’s ninety-two years old and still driving.  The man has a bi-focal windshield.
	 — Scott Wood

Thank you to all the writers who
participated and everyone who voted.

Text Box: Joke Writing Competition #4
Get Out and Vote…Or At Least Joke About It
Election Time
Text Box: Once again, it’s that time – the birds are singing, the sun is shining, and the mud is being flung.  Yes, it’s an election year.  It’s no surprise that elections are a gold mine for comedy.

“There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the entire government working for you.”
Will Rogers

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
George Carlin

So let’s get patriotic and write some jokes on politics and/or the election process.  Any part of it you like – the conventions, the polls, campaigning, the commercials, our elected officials, etc.  There is one restriction, though, your lines cannot contain any reference – directly or implied – to the current Presidential Election and its candidates.  

Prizes: The top 8 jokes will each get $25 each.  There is no limit to amount you can win.  You may win with one line or garnish enough votes to win all $200.  That’s up to you and the votes received. 

Entry Fee:  There is a $5.00 fee per entry for up to 8 jokes.  All five lines must be submitted in the same entry and at the same time.  You may submit less than 8 lines but the same entry fee is required.  You may enter as many times as you like but a new fee is required for each submission (of up to 8 jokes).  The entry fee is waived for Gene Perret’s Round Table Subscribers (must be a current subscriber when entry is received or submission will be disqualified).  Entry Fees are non-refundable.
Deadline for submission is October 1, 2016
Winners will be announced on Election Day!

Gene has put together a handout titled, “How to Write Humor that doesn’t Offend.” You can get a copy of this essay by emailing us a request at and we will email it to you. (Or send an SASE to the address below for a hard copy.)
Added Bonus:  All qualified entries will receive a bookmark/gift tag that features an original poem by Gene Perret called “The Comedy Writer.” 

Text Box: Rules:
Because we have to have rules!
1.  Jokes must be original and not previously published (including the author’s social media pages at least until after the contest, then they are all yours). All lines must comply with the restriction stated above.
2.  All jokes must be numbered.
3.  No more than 8 jokes in each submittal.
4.  Your name and mailing address must appear on each page of submission or within the email.
5.  Submissions can be sent electronically by email at  Entry must be contained within the body of the email with “Contest” in the subject line. Attachments will be deleted unopened. Or you may enter by mail at Round Table, PO Box 786, Agoura Hills, CA 91376
6.  You may enter as many times as you like but each entry (up to 8 jokes) must be sent/emailed separately and accompanied by the $5 entry fee.  Entry Fees can be submitted by credit card online at or by check. Entry Fees can be paid prior to or along with submittal.  Material submitted without fee (and not current RT subscribers) will be disqualified.  Entry Fees are not refundable.  The Entry Fee is waived for people who are current subscribers of Round Table at the time of entry.  You can subscribe to Round Table at
7.  All entries must be received by October 1, 2016 (11:59 pm pst).
8.  Jokes selected by Round Table as finalists will be posted on the website for voting.  Voting will be open until November 4, 2016 (because this would have been Will Rogers 137th birthday!).
9.  Winners will be determined by November 8, 2016. Decisions by the judges are final.  Round Table will break any ties.  Payment will be by check in US Funds, drawn on a US Bank unless other arrangements are agreed to by Round Table.
10.  All material is the property of the writer.  By entering you allow Round Table to print any or all of your lines on its website and/or in related PR.
11.  Any submission not in compliance with these rules will be disqualified and ineligible for any prizes.
12.  Acknowledgement of submissions will not be sent.  
13. If the above rules are not followed, entry will be disqualified, entry fee forfeited, and ineligible to be placed on the webpage for voting.  So please review your entry carefully.
Judging:  Round Table will select the finalists from the lines received but the voting is going to be open to anyone who visits our webpage.  There is no limit to how many lines one writer may have on the finalist list.  Finalists will be posted to our website anonymously and viewers will be able to vote for their 1st, 2nd, and 3rd favorite jokes.  5 points will be awarded for 1stplace; 3 points for second; and 1 for 3rd.  Points will be tallied at the end of the voting period and prizes awarded.  After the voting period, the writer’s name will be posted with his or her line on the webpage.
Of course, we will have to have some rules for the voting
1. Anyone who visits the website will be able to vote.  They will be instructed to send an email to us with their 1st, 2nd, and 3rd favorite joke.  Round Table will be soliciting people to vote and we will encourage you to do the same.
2.  Only one voting submission per email address.  The earliest submission will be accepted.
3. Votes must be included in the text of the email.  Attachments will not be opened and will be deleted.
4. Round Table is not responsible for misdirected or un-received emails.
5. You do not need to include your name and/or address in the email to vote.
6. The rules for voting must be followed.  Judging submissions that do not conform to the rules will not be included in the judging process.
7. Participants in the Competition are eligible to vote, but the same rules apply.
8.  Round Table will break any ties.  And all decisions made by Round Table are final.