Round Table

A Gathering Place for Comedy Writers and Performers


Joke Writing Competition #2:

“Words to Live By”

And the winners are…


1st Place

Don’t do unto others what you wouldn’t want to be sued over. – Sergiu Floroaia

Second Place

I used to think mother-in-law jokes were funny until I became one.  -- Dorothea Helms

Third Place

People with low self-esteem waste a tremendous amount of time at four-way stop signs.

 – Andy Lester


Honorable Mentions

· Americans don’t want instant gratification anymore, it takes too long. – Phillip Tilley


· There’s a lot of talk about young people “slipping down the ladder of social mobility,” how about all the old folks “stepping on the rake of retirement planning.” – Andy Lester


· If your pants are on fire, being a liar is the least of your problems. – Gary Hicks

Congratulations to everyone who participated.  The overall comments we received were that picking only three favorites was difficult, so well done everyone.


A man without flaws would be a woman. – Phillip Tilley


When you stop looking down on people, people begin to look up to you.  – Phillip Tilley


Some people always want something for nothing, and they have so much nothing to offer. – Phillip Tilley


Working too hard will make you go blind.  It must, because everywhere I go people tell me they are too busy to see me. – Phillip Tilley


Jobs are a lot like marriage.  Once you’ve been in them for a long time you realize nobody else would have you.           -- Phillip Tilley           


The pen is mightier than the sword – unless you’ve run out of ink. – Gene Olimpo


Forever is a long time, especially near the end. – Phillip Tilley


Most people are like an onion, when you peel back the layers it will make you cry. –Phillip Tilley


A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.  In other words, never let Grandpa play anchor in a game of Tug of War. – Gene Olimpo


The other day I was reading a book on health tips.  I learned I may need glasses.  – Phillip Tilley


I was going to spend money like there was no tomorrow but I found out my wife did that yesterday. – Phillip Tilley


If you look into the laser in science class you will be the brightest pupil, if only for a second. – Phillip Tilley


A little of what you fancy does you good – unless you fancy arsenic. – Gene Olimpo


Do you ever wonder why people ask rhetorical questions?        -- Phillip Tilley


When you’re feeling down and you don’t know which way to go, up is a good direction. – Phillip Tilley  


Some people are dying to live while other people are living to die.     -- Phillip Tilley


To error is human, but to blame that error on someone else is even more human. – Phillip Tilley


Athletes that refuse to take a shower after an event will always be nothing more than rank amateurs. – Phillip Tilley


If you’re over 30 and still trying to find yourself, you’re probably the only one looking. – Tom Padovano


Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.  So if you’re a genius, you better stock up on deodorant. – Gene Olimpo


Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; show him how to catch fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.  But what if he hates fish? – Gene Olimpo


Rich people serve a purpose, poor people serve someone else’s purpose.  – Phillip Tilley


You make more progress in life by moving yourself forward instead of holding someone else back. – Phillip Tilley


Sometimes circumstances force us to do what we should have been doing all along. – Phillip Tilley


There is no such thing as a born loser.  You have to work at it. – Tony Martini


If you can’t tell the good guys from the bad guys you’re probably looking at Congress. – Phillip Tilley


Most people want to live a long time, but they don’t want to look like they have lived a long time. – Phillip Tilley


The status quo is what everyone thinks they are not.             -- Tony Martini


Sometimes in life it’s not that you’re doing anything wrong, it’s that you’re wrong for not doing anything. – Phillip Tilley


Blessed are the geek…for they shall repair your computer. – Tony Martini


Life is not a race, and if it were would you really want to finish first? – Phillip Tilley


As anyone in a bad marriage will tell you, it’s better to have loved and lost. – Gary Hicks


A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  The bird begs to differ. – Gary Hicks


Everybody wants to be captain, until it’s time to go down with the ship. – Gary Hicks


How many roads must a man walk down, before he asks for directions? – Gary Hicks


They say, “Work smarter not harder.”  As it turned out working harder was smarter. – Phillip Tilley


Children are like the chickenpox virus.  You break out, the virus goes dormant for 30 years, and then it returns with a vengeance. – Eileen Whitmore


It’s not a good idea to shoo flies when you’re at an auction.             -- Doug Johnson


Never let religion get in the way of a relationship with God.         -- Betsy Waid


This contest has ended, but we are already making plans for the next event.  So be sure to check back for details.