Round Table

A Gathering Place for Comedy Writers and Performers



And the Winners are:


Here are the winners of the Round Table Joke Writing Competition #3


First Place

My mom is a travel agent who specializes in guilt trips.

              — Melanie White


Second Place

Growing up, my father was an insult comic – he only ever did his act for me.

            — Andy Lester


Third Place

When I was seven I said, “Mom, am I adopted?” She said, “I’m working on it, I’M WORKING ON IT!”

            — Tom Padovano            


Honorable Mentions


For Halloween last year I went as my dad.  I walked out the back door and never came back.

Todd Turner

My dad called me up and said, “I hit a couple of mail boxes!”  I said “Where’s the car?”  He said, “Inside the post office.”          

Scott Wood

The arrival of spring brought with it a few traditions in our family – spring cleaning, my mom’s garden, and the annual cease and desist letter from the neighborhood HOA prohibiting Dad from organizing a shirtless lawn mowing club.       

Dan Burt

Coming from a dysfunctional family I wasn’t too surprised to find out my dad hated me more than he hated my sister – but technically, that makes me the favorite.

Andy Lester

I asked Mom and Dad if they had any exciting plans for the weekend. Mom said they planned to “polish the silver.” Man, I hope that’s not what old people call it these days.

— Dan Burt






Mother Always Knows Best (At Least According to Her) and Old Age Is the Absence of Youth (And a Lot of Other Things) are now available.

 Order your copies now at store.


Text Box: Finalists

 I told my dad I was moving to New York City to find myself.  He said, “Why don’t you look on the couch.  That’s where you usually are.”	
	   — Todd Turner

My dad is a smart one. He put a couch in the bedroom so when mom told him to sleep on the couch he didn’t have to walk so far.
	   — Fred Kracke	
My mom said we should never lie, except for the time she backed through the neighbor’s fence; that we should let Dad think a drunk did it.
	   — Phillip M. Tilley	

My parents didn’t believe in curfews.  Can you believe it? No curfews.  Of course, they didn’t have to.  I was not allowed out of the house on weekends until I joined the army.  Even then, my mother had the drill sergeant’s cell phone number on her speed dial.
	   — David Seligman	

In piloting an airplane the saying is “hours of boredom followed by seconds of terror.”  Kind of like teaching your kids how to drive.
	   — Ben Green	

Mom and Dad were each other’s best friends and sparring partners.  
	   — Fred Kracke	

My mother thought I, and everyone in the world, didn’t eat enough.  In fact, she was arrested for a drive-by feeding.
	   — Tom Padovano	

There was one time my dad got so frustrated he reclaimed his closet space.
	   — Fred Kracke	

I remember going to the beach and my Dad burying me in the sand – head down.
	   — Tom Padovano

Some parents were more relaxed about their parenting.  Not my parents. They were very strict.  The first book they read to me was “Robert’s Rules of Order.”
	   — David Seligman

Whenever I did something wrong my dad would ground me.  It never felt good.  He was an electrician and those wires gave me quite a shock.
	   — Steve Shrott
Text Box: My dad never liked me.  As a child I would wet the bed. He got me an electric blanket.	
	   — Scott Wood

Dad’s idea of a fine wine would be anything dated like ‘vintage Tuesday.’
	  — Patrick Manalio	

I asked my mom one day if she had any antique furniture.  She said, “Oh no, our  furniture’s too old to be antiques.”
	  — Patrick Manalio

My mom’s a lousy driver too.  She’s always putting on her make-up while she’s driving.  I guess she wants to look good for the accident.
	   — Scott Wood

My dad’s a big drinker. He’s half Irish, and all Scotch!	
	   — Scott Wood

My dad was a late arrival to the art of illusion in a vain attempt to make mom disappear.	
	   — Fred Kracke

When I was a teenager, my relationship with my dad was so bad I talked about committing suicide.  But he wouldn’t do it.
	   — Todd Turner

My mom was a lousy cook. I once found a bone in my Jello.
	   — Scott Wood

When I was small my parents took us on a car trip. I was fighting with my bother and my father said, “If you two keep that up, I’ll turn this car around.”  We continued to fight, and next thing I know we’re going 60 miles an hour…backwards.
	   — Ben Green

Mom taught me lots of things.  When I was a child I asked her, “Where do babies come from?” She said, “Tequila.”
	   — Joy Keishian	

Dad’s ninety-two years old and still driving.  The man has a bi-focal windshield.
	 — Scott Wood

Thank you to all the writers who
participated and everyone who voted.

Text Box: Next Contest….

Plans are underway for our next contest 
and will be announced shortly.
Be sure to check back to for all the details.