Joke Writing Competition #4

Get Out and Vote…Or At Least Joke About It

Election Time

And the Winners Are…

Top vote getters are listed below

The top eight jokes that got the most votes will be awarded $25 for their winning lines.

Contest has Ended

This contest has come to a close.  The top lines are listed belong along with the writer’s credit.  Great job!

Thank You

A special thank you to everyone who voted and to all the writers who participated.

Finalists

  1. My cousin, Harvey votes every chance he gets – all the national, state and local elections. With 13 kids and a terrible mother-in-law, the voting booth is about the only place where he can get a little peace and quiet. (Sol Morrison)

 

  1. The ballot states “vote for one.” Which one? (Roland Davis)

 

  1. 1st Place: A man and his dog go into a bar and see at one table a Democrat, a Republican, and an Independent. At another table – a communist, a fascist, and an anarchist, and at the end of the bar there was a Tea Party member, a Green Party member, and a radical feminist vegan. The man turned to his dog and said, “You know, we may not even be IN this joke. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. 3rd Place: The Polls don’t lie – that’s left to the candidates. (Bob Williams)

 

  1. I’m an environmentalist politically. I’m so green that, last Christmas, my family accidentally decorated me. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. I tried to enroll in the Electoral College but lost interest when I found out that they didn’t have a football team. (David Seligman)

 

  1. Doesn’t it seem like the people invited to political conventions are people you’d never invite over for dinner? (Tom Padovano)

 

  1. I was depressed. A friend told me, “Cheer up, things could get worse.” So I cheered up and he was right, it’s an election year. (Phillip Tilley)

 

  1. I admit there is much more to your candidate than just his resume. There’s his rap sheet. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. The birth of a great man who can lead a nation is rare. Mostly, it’s little babies. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. In our politically-correct high school, the math teacher said that a right angle may not be right for everybody. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. “Mr. President, your re-election may be derailed by a scandal. It turns out our Secretary of Veterans Affairs is a veteran of secretary affairs. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. I think we should change our country’s eligibility requirements and allow only teenagers to run for President. That way, we’re sure to get a leader who already knows everything. (Sol Morrison)

 

  1. There is complete freedom in the voting booth…to vote for those your wife told you. (Roland Davis)

 

  1. There should be a review of the Electoral College’s accreditation. (Bob Williams)

 

  1. They say you can’t complain if you don’t vote. I just wish my mother-in-law had not voted so much. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. My candidate says he believes that the American Way comprises strong morality, unwavering honesty, and high ethics, and he will lie, cheat, and steal to preserve that. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. My family is so political that they consider my being undecided a sickness. They took me to a spin doctor. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. 8th Place:  Republicans are so cold-blooded that they give mosquitoes an ice cream headache. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. At the dinner table when I was young, politics always came up and my parents vehemently disagreed on everything. Dad was “red” and Mom was “blue.” I kept my mouth shut because I was yellow. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. My family decided that politics has absolutely no place at the dinner table. The vote was 5 to 4. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. This year I voted via absentee ballot, being I have an absentee senator.  (Tom Padovano)

 

  1. A progressive believes that the government should stay out of the bedroom. A liberal believes there’s plenty of room for everybody. (Michael Bass)

 

  1. Politicians have gotten so dirty that lawyers think twice before representing one. (Fred Kracke)

25.  I was a dedicated dove in college, and then I was an avid hawk for many years. Now I’m just an old buzzard. (Michael Bass)

 

26. 7th Place:  What I learned from watching the Conventions: There is no such thing as “Conventional Wisdom.” (Bob Williams)

 

27.  A campaign promise reminds me of that classic movie – Gone with the Wind. (Tom Padovano)

 

28.  Behind every good man in Congress there is, invariably, a loving, supportive, understanding woman – and a wife. (Michael Bass)

 

29.  My Congressman is so in bed with big oil that his sheets have dipsticks. (Michael Bass)

 

30.  My first priority is jobs! I want the President’s job and my wife wants the First Lady’s. (Michael Bass)

 

31.  2nd Place:  Amazingly, 84% of constituents don’t know what constituents mean. (Tom Padovano)

 

32.  5th Place:  When a politician is sworn in besides one hand on the Bible, the other hand should be on a lie detector. (Tom Padovano)

 

33.  It’s self-defeating and depressing to think of all politicians as a bunch of lying crooks. Thank goodness for George Washington. (Michael Bass)

 

34.  CNN just took a poll on voting and 88% of those responding said they don’t want to be polled on voting. (Tom Padovano)

 

35.  4th Place:  I hate election day. It depresses me, gives me anxiety, and I’d rather just stay home and cry.  Oh wait, that’s Valentine’s Day. (Danny Browning)

 

36.  You can tell that a politician has been in Washington too long by the swelling on his ankles, the spasms on his neck, the bags on his eyes, the bimbos on his arms… (Michael Bass)

 

37.  Unfortunately, there is an “I” in “Politics.” (Bob Williams)

 

38.  You know you’re not a popular politician when as soon as you kiss a baby it needs its diaper changed.  (Tom Padovano)

 

39.  I watched both candidate’s stump speeches – I admit, I was stumped. (Bob Williams)

 

40.  Since the youth vote defeated me last time, my slogan in this campaign is “Are you older than you were four years ago?” (Michael Bass)

 

41.  The greatest power you ever have is your vote on election day, so after casting my ballot, I stopped by my old school bully’s house and voted him to a pulp. (Michael Bass)

 

42.  If you took every “I Voted” sticker and stacked them as high as they could go, you’d accomplish about as much as the average member of Congress. (Bob Williams)

 

43.  On the campaign trail politicians will eat anything – including their words. (Tom Padovano)

 

44.  6th Place:  If we elected whoever runs the best TV ads, the incumbent of the Oval Office just might be a Budweiser Clydesdale. (Bob Williams)

 

45.  Our government is run by a system of checks and balances – BANK checks and BANK balances. (Michael Bass)

 

46.  My brother’s a “progressive.” That’s a liberal who thinks he’s fooling somebody. (Michael Bass)

 

47.  My Congressman is so indecisive and flip-floppy that his only big contributor is The National Waffle Association. (Michael Bass)

 

48.  I tried to enroll in the Electoral College but discovered there’s no dorms. (David Seligman)

 

49.  There are politicians who accuse large corporations of being greedy. These same politicians accuse Pygmies of being short. (Michael Bass)

 

50.  Most politicians can’t watch Pinocchio without clutching their noses and crying. (Fred Kracke)

Congratulations to all the Finalists and thank you to all the writers who participated.

Next Contest???

We’re ready for another contest but haven’t made a decision on what it is going to be.  Is there a contest you’d like to see?  If you have an idea for a great comedy writing contest, we’d love to hear it.  Just email us at RTComedy@cwo.com with your idea.